You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
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*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.