Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
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how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.