[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Happens to everyone.
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
I’m putting together a team
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.