When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
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The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Every photo I’m tagged in
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true