Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
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The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!