Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
You Might Also Like
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
me and my fake scenarios
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
Can’t. Being lazy.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.