i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
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You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan