Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
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You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don鈥檛 know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I鈥檓 a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i鈥檓 going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
I went on my daughter鈥檚 movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
whenever I鈥檓 feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 馃槒
Him: We all are…
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You鈥檙e not gonna believe this.
Aladdin: 馃幎I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.