If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
I don’t think my car can fly