[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
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Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
I have never related to a cat more
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment