Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t