WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.