[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
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Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
This is Sparta
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.