Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.