good for her
You Might Also Like
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
I dunno why but this feels like a trap