You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
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[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.