[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
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If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.