My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
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A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
It was worth a shot 😂
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
He’s dead
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Finally! 😈
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Real House Wines.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.