Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.