[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously