Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
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[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Current mood: Potato
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Monday?
No. Next question.