Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
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Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
Rather alarming headline…
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise