*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
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@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.