[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade