SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
getting corrected
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Scream sneezers need love too.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”