O Wise One….
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me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story