Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
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Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Yup….perfect score!
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you