I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…