me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime