“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
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“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.