hear me out : pockets for your socks
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it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
When he asks for feet pics
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL