(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
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DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
🙂🙃🥹
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Happy Thanksgiving
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
shit just got real
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”