I like crazy people until they notice me
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I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.