I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
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if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
my sentiments exactly
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Breaking news:
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Merica.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.