satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
You Might Also Like
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…