Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
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But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Worst bar ever.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you