“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
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Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.