spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
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Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about