My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
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Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!