HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!