Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
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the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
work smarter, not harder
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN