[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
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I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’