*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business