Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
sugar glider wrangler
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not