Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
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Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.