My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
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WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit