[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You Might Also Like
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
You can’t rush stupid.
when u come home smelling like another dog
They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah