I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
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I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Breaking news:
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.