Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
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Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.