If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.